It Keeps Getting Better....

And if anyone missed the sarcasm in that its because you don't care enough about me to follow what's going on (or so much as email me and tell me why you walked out on me).

Things around here have been interesting and not in a good way and its a lot my fault. I have never ever been good at saying what I mean, and that tends to cause some problems. Recently it caused a huge problem and our relationship is forever changed. With Sarah missing and Jessamyn being so new its pretty much up to me to figure everything our from this perspective.

I love daddy. I love him more than I could ever say. He has been our rock for so many years now, but I have an overwhelming desire for female dominance. Now here is the real problem. I have yet to be able to explain exactly what I want or mean. This, coupled with the confusion of falling in love with a woman, has made me incoherent at best. So I'm going to try and explain what it is that I am trying to get at.

I want a woman to be an alpha sub to daddy. I want her to be his right hand, so to speak, but not to take his place or stand between us. I want her to enhance him and for us to be a real family... like it could have been with des before she got all stupid and took the path of least resistance and fucked us over royally. Not that des was dominant at all, but for a period of time we were a family. I want a sister-wife with a dominant streak, if that makes sense.

Now when I say I don't want her to replace Daddy, I mean it. I don't want to lose my relationship with Daddy. Betsy can't function without her Daddy and I really really love Daddy and want to be with him. I believe in our family and I believe in working hard at making things work.

Daddy has concerns about such a woman coming in between us, and he has concerns about sharing. I don't know how to alleviate these concerns, and I don't know how to make sure we both get what we want and need. I need him... if I ever had doubts the last two days has proven this to me. I can't help the other needs and desires I have... and I don't know what to do about any of it. I'm hoping that writing about it and trying to sort through it in my head will make it all make more sense.

For years, even before I made my appearance Betsy has been looking for a Mommy figure. Maybe this is something that is ingrained in all of us to an extent. I was thinking that maybe it would be like having two parents with the dad being the head of household. I don't know. I do know that I do want poly, but I want an alpha sub. I have no idea how else to explain it and I probably haven't said anything that I haven't already stated earlier, but maybe something else came out here... or maybe I'll just keep rambling.

I am doing my damndest to come up with an accurate scenario to describe what I'm looking for besides the above one. The above one makes most sense to me and seems accurate to me, but I don't want to be misunderstood or risk having miscommunicated again. I can't say it enough... I don't want Daddy to be replaced.... or to throw anyone in between us. I want a family... a real family. Complete with the kids, dogs, a large house with an even larger yard.

Now there's always the possibility that I'm simply dreaming and what I want just doesn't exist. Maybe its a fairy tale. Maybe I am wanting too much. Maybe I am asking too much of those around me. Maybe I'm being selfish and too much of a 15 year old. I don't know... I really don't know. And I want to know. I hate not knowing. I hate thinking that expressing myself and my wants and desires is stupid and pointless.