boo

im here.



we're okay.

<3 kaya

Annoyed

i dont feel good.

i'm irritable.

irrational.

easily annoyed.

period starting.

migraine.

humidity.

ugh.



lyssa

blah

I hate having to come up with damn titles... it irritates me.

played with the kids today... a lot...lol. they're shitheads but i love them just the same. it was actually a good day with them. they were pretty well behaved and such so i bought them presents. lol.

i'm seriously okay with how things have been goin lately. we're connecting really well with daddy and things are slowly getting back to some semblance of normal.

went back to work.

cant think of nothin else right now but want to update more.


<3 lyssa

Seriously....

It has been so long since any of us posted here that kaya forget her login information, like a dumbass...lol. She finally remembered this morning soooo i'm gonna post. i just have no idea what i'm gonna post.

yesterday was rough and sucked a lot. nana passed on and athough it was best for her it wasnt so great for grampie.

we've been stuck lately, which leaves me out most of the time... we managed to switch for a bit yesterday and jess took care of grampie and everything but its me again... i'm kinda getting used to it being me.

so i wasnt in a good mood last night but all things considered i guess its understandable. still not in a fantastic mood but better than last night.


<3 lyssa

sick

bein sick sucks a lot.

we're constantly feeling nauseous... congested, coughing up green stuff.... starting to run fevers....

calling the doctor tomorrow.

the kids are with my egg donor...

i got homework to do. tanked my math quiz last night.

cutting down on smoking hasnt been as hard as i thought it would be.

watching old movies... lol.

i need to go shopping. i'm hungry.

i'm bored too. i shouldnt be bored cuz i should be doing homework but its been a long time since its been this quiet in the house.


<3 Kaya

Tired

Thats what i am. i'm tired an damn tired. emotionally, physically, and in all ways. i can't seem to let myself relax tho an its takin its toll in odd ways. my muscles hurt an i feel like i got hit by a damn truck.

jake keeps kicking me an its not easy to type. ok, i moved him. now i'm back to writing. but i dont know what to write. work is goin ok. its been hard and kinda boring but ok.

More Randomness

I have no idea if anyone actually reads this shit, but i dont really care...lol. This is for me.

I love daddy, and i love her.

i have learned some very important lessons lately about thinkin first and talkin later. this is sooo important. things get said that didn't come out right and people get hurt and time gets wasted tryin to decide what should be said.

its enough to make a teenager stop talking...lol. okay, i can't stop talking... i might implode.

i'm listenin to my theme song which daddy said doesnt really fit me. i think it does tho and i dont see why he doesn't... but he's daddy, he doesnt hafta agree with me...lol.

daddy doesnt like the music i do at all. he's a heavy metal guy... an i like heavy metal, but i like hip hop too.

i need to play around with my playlist some too. some old school lisa loeb....

Jess is still a nazi.

I'm probably an idiot...lol.

I'm ok tho. Life is ok.

Boredom sucks... hope to shower with Daddy soon... that won't be boring ;)

I....

.... am just tired.

It Keeps Getting Better....

And if anyone missed the sarcasm in that its because you don't care enough about me to follow what's going on (or so much as email me and tell me why you walked out on me).

Things around here have been interesting and not in a good way and its a lot my fault. I have never ever been good at saying what I mean, and that tends to cause some problems. Recently it caused a huge problem and our relationship is forever changed. With Sarah missing and Jessamyn being so new its pretty much up to me to figure everything our from this perspective.

I love daddy. I love him more than I could ever say. He has been our rock for so many years now, but I have an overwhelming desire for female dominance. Now here is the real problem. I have yet to be able to explain exactly what I want or mean. This, coupled with the confusion of falling in love with a woman, has made me incoherent at best. So I'm going to try and explain what it is that I am trying to get at.

I want a woman to be an alpha sub to daddy. I want her to be his right hand, so to speak, but not to take his place or stand between us. I want her to enhance him and for us to be a real family... like it could have been with des before she got all stupid and took the path of least resistance and fucked us over royally. Not that des was dominant at all, but for a period of time we were a family. I want a sister-wife with a dominant streak, if that makes sense.

Now when I say I don't want her to replace Daddy, I mean it. I don't want to lose my relationship with Daddy. Betsy can't function without her Daddy and I really really love Daddy and want to be with him. I believe in our family and I believe in working hard at making things work.

Daddy has concerns about such a woman coming in between us, and he has concerns about sharing. I don't know how to alleviate these concerns, and I don't know how to make sure we both get what we want and need. I need him... if I ever had doubts the last two days has proven this to me. I can't help the other needs and desires I have... and I don't know what to do about any of it. I'm hoping that writing about it and trying to sort through it in my head will make it all make more sense.

For years, even before I made my appearance Betsy has been looking for a Mommy figure. Maybe this is something that is ingrained in all of us to an extent. I was thinking that maybe it would be like having two parents with the dad being the head of household. I don't know. I do know that I do want poly, but I want an alpha sub. I have no idea how else to explain it and I probably haven't said anything that I haven't already stated earlier, but maybe something else came out here... or maybe I'll just keep rambling.

I am doing my damndest to come up with an accurate scenario to describe what I'm looking for besides the above one. The above one makes most sense to me and seems accurate to me, but I don't want to be misunderstood or risk having miscommunicated again. I can't say it enough... I don't want Daddy to be replaced.... or to throw anyone in between us. I want a family... a real family. Complete with the kids, dogs, a large house with an even larger yard.

Now there's always the possibility that I'm simply dreaming and what I want just doesn't exist. Maybe its a fairy tale. Maybe I am wanting too much. Maybe I am asking too much of those around me. Maybe I'm being selfish and too much of a 15 year old. I don't know... I really don't know. And I want to know. I hate not knowing. I hate thinking that expressing myself and my wants and desires is stupid and pointless.

Randomization....

I don't even know what that means to be honest. I feel like writing tho. Me an Jess are finally gettin along for the most part. She's bossy, but oh well. I like her for the most part. Her job is to protect us, I think. Betsy trusts her an likes her which is good.

I posted a very short blurb on Sarah's blogger about people leavin us. Maybe it shouldnt have been posted there, but her blog is out public place to pretend to be normal and blend in. This one is my place... Jess may write here too she said.

This, in all, hasn't been a very good week for me. I feel like I've been dropped on my head one two many times. I made a new friend, who was a friend of Sarahs, but Sarah really hasnt been active in almost 2 weeks. Kinda sucks, but we got it. Me an Jess are doin ok with it.

Dunno... thats all....

Jess

So weird things are happening here in Kaya land...

Ok... its not Kaya land... but I think Kaya land works well.

No one else up here agrees.... big surprise and like I care...

But the news is.... we have another who surfaced. She is 19 and we named her Jessamyn. I didn't like her much at all at first. I had been telling Fen ( my best friend) for weeks that it felt like someone was watching me all the time. I didn't think to tell Daddy because it seemed rather unimportant and just annoying. It turns out I was being watched.

So Jess made her first "out" appearance today. We went to the grocery store and I didn't exactly stay with her. I got distracted and she ended up calling home to find out what she was supposed to be doing. Oops...lol. But she did fine.

Thats my news.

Other news... there really isn't any....lol.

What I want...

I am a beyond horny little girl... so I decided to blog about it. Daddy says I gotta start spelling out my words instead of using "u" and "r". I keep forgetting but he says I gotta so I'm gonna start.

After some deep soul searching I decided that I have a new/not so new kink... here are some pictures stolen off the web of my new/not so new kink...


She is so adorble. I wanna be adorable like her... in a not so innocent way...lol!





I wouldn't mind being her either....





Being spanked while sucking in a paci.... i bet that would be amazing....






A full babygirl setup... and a nice pink bottom to go with it....


I suppose my point has been made. I think it would be a mixture of thrilling, embarassing, and borderline humilating to be in any of these situations..... but I thrive on the humiliating. Daddy found a few sites that sell adult sized footie jammies... and adult sized pacifiers. I totally want my very own pacifier. Daddy's not interested in the diapers tho... and honestly I'm still up in the air about what I think of diaper wearing for myself...

The Kayalyn Theme Song

Keeps Getting Better

Step back gonna come at ya fast

I'm driving out of control

And getting ready to crash

Won't stop shaking up what I can

I serve it up in a shot

So suck it down like a man

So baby yes I know what I am

And no I don't give a damn

And you'll be loving it

Some days I'm a super bitch

Up to my old tricks

But it won't last forever

Next day I'm your super girl

Out to save the world

And it keeps gettin' better

Kiss kiss gonna tell you right now

I'll make it sweet on the lips i'll simply knock you out

Shut up I don't care what you say

Cuz when we both in the ring you're gonna like it my way

Yeah baby there's a villain in me so sexy sour and sweet

And you'll be loving it

Some days I'm a super bitch

Up to my old tricks

But it won't last forever

Next day I'm your super girl

Out to save the world

And it keeps gettin' better

Hold on

Keeps gettin' better

Hold on

Keeps gettin' better

In the blink of an eye

In the speed of the light

I'll hold the universe up

And make your planets collide

When I strap on my boots

And I slip on my suit

You see the vixen in me

Becomes an angel for you

Some days I'm a super bitch

Up to my old tricks

But it won't last forever

Next day I'm your super girl

Out to save the world

And it keeps gettin' better

Some days I'm a super bitch

Up to my old tricks

But it won't last forever

Next day I'm your super girl

Out to save the world

And it keeps gettin' better

Hold on

Keeps gettin' better

Hold on

Keeps gettin' better

I hurt. Ovaries suck a lot. The pain is almost unbearable and is awful. The baby is sick, we're in pain, the girls are hyper, and Daddy doesnt feel good. Life is pretty crappy here right now. I bought my mom a teddybear for Valentines day and that makes me happy. Daddy got a new sword thats really pretty and i want one too. He said he'd buy me one sometime. Thats about all I got....

Not so tough...

In trouble still... and getting worse by the hour....

Instead of just shutting my mouth and behaving, I had to get mouthy.... now I'm up to 200 and Daddy said that Uncle Caine may be the one that delivers... some of you reading this know Uncle Caine... for those who don't, consider yourself lucky. Daddy had threatened that earlier and told me tonight that he had decided against it until I started running my mouth.

Lets just suffice it to say that I'm not feeling so tough anymore.

Life

So D still doesn't like me. Whatever. She spends more time on her cellphone and computer than anything else.

I was supposed to be catching up on school work all week since we were two weeks behind in our college classes. I got a lot done but there's a paper and a program due tonight. I didn't actually do any of it. Sarah is a little pissed because when I relinquished control this evening she discovered that she was sitting in front of a computer screen with a blank word document. She got it done though... and thats whats important. The program isn't done, and may not get done... but Daddy will kill me if it doesn't, so I think I should just do it.

Sarah told at least two people today that I'm self centered. I'd love to know where the hell she comes up with this shit sometimes.

Something to do..

Its after midnight... Daddy is sleeping and mom is busy. D is in the bedroom but since she really doesn't like me i'm not sure if she's awake or not. Whitney is sleeping and the little kids are all asleep. I'm just sitting here trying to figure out what to do... So I started a place for me.

Katie just went to bed. So now its just me.

Anyways, about me. I'm 15... but I live and exist inside a 27 year old body. There's one other here too, besides me and Sarah... and she's 6. Life is definitely interesting. We don't go to therapy and have only ever admitted to one mental health professional what actually goes on in our head. Daddy knows though... Daddy is Sarah's husband... and mom knows.... my mom is actually Sarah's friend. They both not only know, but can relate. Sarah's other friend, C, is like a big sister to me and Betsy.

Aside from the people listed above... I don't care much for people. I am constantly getting into some kind of trouble... mostly because I have no impulse control and very little "thinking it through" skills. I say what I want to and usually when I want to... and deal with the consequences later.

In all honesty, I dont think I'm very well liked, but I'm not too sure I care much about it. D told me tonight that her and i don't mesh well personality wise and that she'd rather deal with Sarah. I think thats because Sarah's soft and will back down to avoid conflict... but that conversation doesn't mean she'll have Sarah any more often than she does now. Sarah and I are splitting time almost 50 5o. I've decided that I like being around.

I can't think of much more to say right now... just bored. I wish Fen pr Jayme were here so I would have someone to talk to. They're my best friends. Jayme may only be 11, but he's pretty cool. Ideally though I wish Daddy and i were playing video games or something.

~K~